All At Once
by poxmaker
Summary: Ash has made a few realizations about his life and how he treats the people around him. Mentions of Ash/Misty, Ash/Gary, and Gary/Misty. SLASH and HET. Don't like slash? DON'T READ.


A/N: So this is something I wrote way back last October/November during my Ash/Gary phase. I can't remember what compelled me to write it. I hadn't posted it till now because I really don't think it's worthy, but at the same time I haven't posted a fic in nearly a year. So I figure, what the heck, I'll post it anyway. It's basically some angst from Ash's POV. Some of which I'm sure he'd have eventually realized if America hadn't bastardized the anime.

**WARNING**: This fic contains mentions of both het AND slash. If slash isn't your cup of tea, I highly suggest you hit the back button in your browser window or on your mouse. As mentioned in my profile, I do not take kindly to flaming. Constructive criticism sure, but flaming gets on my very last nerve. Don't try it.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters mentioned. I do not own Pokemon either. I do, however, own quite a few Pokemon Cards, and almost every Pokemon video game made. :D

Enjoy! (If angst is your thing, that is.)

* * *

I'm pathetic.

I know, okay?

I know I'm naive and immature. That I make rash decisions without really thinking. And that when it comes to certain deep, life-altering choices that I constantly fall flat on my face.

Ever since I was ten my life has been about nothing but Pokemon and my dream to be a Master. Nothing else fit into my head—there was no room. I focused solely on my training and becoming better—the best. Everything else was blocked out.

And I guess, now that my eyes have been opened, I can see that that was where I went wrong with Misty. I was too blind to see that she was practically in love with me.

And too blind to notice us drifting apart. Before I knew it she had disappeared from my life.

Of course, I almost immediately replaced her. Another journey, another set of companions—equally replaceable. It was so easy—I could do it at any time. And did I have any qualms about it? Nope.

I'm such a horrible friend... such a horrible person in general.

How can I be so cavalier with my friendships? How is it I can so easily let people drift in and out of my life, and not really care?

Misty, Richie, Tracey, May, Max, Gary...

Oh God, Gary... Out of everyone I've let down, the thought of Gary hurts me the most. For so long he was the driving force behind my need to better myself—whether I realized it or not. Our rivalry drove me to push myself further and further. And even when we became friends, he was still my sole motivation.

And then, maybe three months ago, he helped me open my eyes. All at once I saw the real world.

Of course, this wasn't even remotely close to his intention. In fact, he was merely trying to fulfill a need that had been gnawing at him for years. And perhaps he was also hoping I would feel the same—which, I found, I did.

Heh, does that show you how naive I was? Before that day I had no idea there was anything else to life other than Pokemon battling. That the love of another could fill a void that being a Pokemon Master never could—a void I hadn't even known _existed_.

For two weeks I lived in serene, ignorant bliss. Two wonderful, life-filled weeks. And then it all came crashing down.

It was as if a silken dam had been holding back all the thoughts of all the horrible things I've done through my naivety—and all at once it snapped, and all those thoughts flooded my mind. I saw how many people I hurt on a constant basis, and how extremely _stupid_ I was.

Realization hit me like a tidal wave.

And the first wave to hit me was Misty. Misty… Oh God, what had I done?

And so I ran to her.

(Seriously, I ran all the way to Cerulean City.)

I fell before her, sobbing, and begged for her forgiveness. Perhaps she took pity on me, or maybe she truly felt the same. Either way, she stood me up and told me I was forgiven.

And then we shared something I had only ever shared with Gary.

Once it was over the next wave hit me. What had I just done? I was appalled with myself. I had just attempted to make things right with one person, only to ruin the life of another.

And once again I ran and begged for forgiveness. This time, however, I did not receive it. Instead, I received a single, heart-broken tear. And then nothing.

Gary left—literally walked out of my life. He had given me such a wonderful gift, and I had taken it, only to re-gift it to someone else. And so he left.

In some weird, twisted hand of fate, he went straight to the person I had betrayed him with. From what I hear from Brock, Gary and Misty are quite happy. Happy to live their lives together—without _me_.

And all at once I found myself alone.

I _am_ alone.

Even Pikachu—mentally—isn't with me.

And so I travel by myself. Alone I walk, and alone I will stay.

At least, while alone, I can't hurt anybody.

* * *

A/N: Okay, so I still think it's crap. I'm not good with emotional upheaval stuff like this. But there it is.

Let me know what you thought, if you want. Because reviews, like always, aren't necessarily necessary.


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